The shady parts of ourselves we try to hide
“Friendly and patient. Delightfully pleasant and easy-going.”
Sorry, are you talking about me?
You couldn’t be.
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Oh wait, you might be referring to the everyday la-la-la version of me: the one who is conversationally well-rounded and executes engaging, polite social discourse. I am eternally grateful to this version of myself.
Nurturing this aspect of myself is essential in ensuring I am not exiled to the furthest pier pylon, like an unwanted barnacle.
In the interests of living a life of authenticity and honesty, I would like to introduce you to some of the less palatable versions of myself.
In doing so, I hope to reassure those who fear letting the world see your other ‘sides’.
You will see me, and I hope you will share you.
Acknowledging My Darker Shades Of Grey
My spouse has the patience of a Zen monk. Incredible patience, always has. Observing this phenomenon over the years has only served to highlight my lack thereof. The truth? I am frequently impatient. Not always, but often enough to realise it’s a ‘thing’.
When others take a lifetime to arrive at simple, (obvious) conclusions, or dilly-dally along the way, my brain starts screaming. It feels like tension, behind the eyes. A spike of agitation, felt through the shoulders and jaw. The temptation to say something sarcastic at their expense, take over the problem-solving, or step away entirely is strong. Fortunately, I am very aware of how awful it is to be around someone who is pushy and impatient, sarcastic and smug, so I work extra hard to regulate this version of myself.
Similar to my cognitive impatience, I feel irate with physical slowness. The kind where people move glacially, especially in situations where a little hustle would be gratefully appreciated. I’m not referring to scenarios where people are happily enjoying a mindful stroll.
Stroll on, good people!
I refer instead to those who totter along in traffic when the light turns green, or who stand in the middle of the shopping aisle blissfully unaware that efficient ninja shoppers require space for speed.
And oh, how I groan internally, hidden behind my everything is fine façade, when hypocrisy arrives. I’m sure you’ve met these people: the do as I say, not as I do brigade. No amount of gentle discussion, reframing, probing, highlighting, or the provision of contradictory evidence can persuade them. Externally we relent, no one likes a scene; while internally we rage.
And now we arrive at commonsense. I am a vocal cheerleader of the virtue of being kind. I truly believe in its importance and potential to make our world a safer and more compassionate place. But there is a version of myself that in the past has struggled to be kind; when I encounter people for whom commonsense appears to be a foreign language.
Externally, I am genial enough.
But oh ho no, not the inner-self.
“How can you not know?”
“It’s obvious”
“Why are you asking?”
This personal irritation has historically been my most egregious blindspot.
The Reality Of Commonsense
In mainstream society, demonstrating commonsense is often confused as evidence of higher intelligence.
But evidence strongly suggests that intelligence is not a reliable marker of commonsense, even though many of us often treat it as one.
So if commonsense is not ‘how smart you are’, then what is it?
When we refer to something as commonsense, usually served up with a dose of haughty derision, what we are in-fact highlighting is that something is familiar, known, or emotionally comfortable, for us.
Not something that is universally understood or true, or only perceivable to those of higher intelligence. To those familiar with the topic at hand, fact, or action; it feels obvious, sometimes painfully obvious, but to others it’s hidden.
This is not intelligence, this is familiarity.
Commonsense is also not natural, or instinctive. Researchers have studied this phenomenon extensively, and have shown repeatedly that commonsense is learned through socialisation, education, and imitation.
In stable and familiar contexts, commonsense is ‘common’, and reliable, because local knowledge and insight is spread throughout the family and community. Change the conditions or environment however, and one person’s version of commonsense will come in to conflict with another persons.
And how about the arrogance and sense of superiority of those with commonsense?
I know you know what I’m talking about. The lofty sense of self-importance felt by those who believe they have been gifted with far more commonsense than their peers.
They don’t yet know that commonsense isn’t a reflection of any kind of intelligence, or superiority or personality.
Yes, I have been guilty of this in the past. I fell in to the trap of believing the familiarity I experienced around certain topics, areas, and ideas, meant I was smarter, and wiser than others.
Insufferable!
Fortunately, the universe has a ready remedy for this nonsense. A healthy dose of expositional humility can wholly cure one of the arrogance that comes with a commonsense superiority complex.
Now that you’ve met the ‘real’ me, and learnt more about what truly irks and pains me, I understand if you never want to read my stories again.
Who knew I was such an irritable punk?!
But, I would love to entertain the possibility that what I’ve described is familiar to you.
Perhaps you too have a list, long or short, of interpersonal grievances you’re afraid to acknowledge in the light of day.
We all possess different shades of personality traits and quirks.
No one is all good or all bad.
The Life of an Outsider
Walking your own path, no matter the costmedium.com
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