And Joined the Spiritual Philosophically Agnostic Science Enthusiasts Club
At 18 years of age, I learned about Irish Catholic homes for “unruly girls”.
It was the school holidays and I was watching the film The Magdalene Sisters. By the end of the film, a sickening weight had settled deep in my stomach. I sat in shock when the film ended. Surely this was fiction?
For those unfamiliar with the Irish homes, these were religious institutions and convents run by clergy, until they were finally closed in the 1980s. To outsiders, they were a safe place for “wayward” teen girls. For those on the inside, brutal beatings and cruelty were commonplace.
For 18 years, I had taken my faith for granted. But in the space of time it took to watch a film, my belief was shattered. And so began a life-long journey of asking questions, seeking truth, and trying to understand reality.
All grown Up: Humanity no longer needs religion
medium.com
Religion & God Throughout Childhood
Growing up I was raised with “Religion Lite”. We weren’t forced to believe or participate, though it was gently encouraged.
Special family dinners began with someone saying Grace, and most Sundays I would attend church, though I barely understood what the priest spoke about. Instead, I would sit quietly and try to follow along. More often than not I’d fall asleep. Sometimes I’d stare at the stained glass windows and imagine the stories they were telling.
The empty pews during mass intrigued me. Why was the church packed to the rafters at Christmas and Easter, but on a regular Sunday I could count fewer than fifty people? I was told that maintaining face during Ordinary Times was hard for most people.
The local parish priest was a kind gentleman, and I respected him for the care he care for his parishioners. I say this with a tinge of guilt; but by far the highlight of our weekly visit to church, was the trip to 7-Eleven afterwards.
Questioning God & Religion
I can’t recall if I had doubts about God and religion before I saw that movie. Looking back, I suspect I must have.
How could one film trigger such a seismic shift in a person’s worldview, all on its own? Was religion all bad? Did adults know the truth and hide it from children?
I had to know more. I needed to learn everything I could about religion. I had to know if the film was based on truth, or if it was a Hollywood fabrication. I had to know if there were any other atrocities I had been shielded from. With the internet now available (it was the early 2000s), I had a powerful tool to help me find information and people who could help me in my quest for answers.
I started exploring Christianity and its many incarnations. I read history, the Bible, and compared it Islam and Judaism. I read about Taoism, Buddhism, Sikhism, Existentialism, Epicureanism, and Stoicism. Listened to audiobooks on meditation, mindfulness, and quantum physics. If something claimed truth, I wanted to know how and why.
I would ask anyone who was willing, to tell me of their worldview and the ‘truth’ of reality as they saw it. I expected my elders would be wiser and more knowledgeable. That they would teach, as long as I was willing to learn.
This was not the reality I encountered.
“You’re too sensitive. Don’t think so much.”
“Focus on work and school. The rest will work itself out.”
“Of course there’s a God. You just need to have faith.”
Most of the adults I encountered were unwilling to discussion deep and complicated questions. Unwilling to engage in thoughtful discussion about the big questions of life.
Mercifully, I eventually found a teacher who eventually became a trusted mentor. To this day, he continues to offer philosophical and spiritual guidance.
He didn’t lecture, just listened.
And when I asked, he offered guidance.
Like most things in life, I learnt that religion too is neither all good, nor all bad. I learnt that there are charlatans, thieves, and predators present in every tradition throughout human history. Those who claimed to champion the needs of the poor, vulnerable and lost, but instead used them for personal gain.
If not religion, then what?
How the non-religious find meaning & purpose in lifemedium.com
Who Am I Today?
Who I am and what I believe, don’t fall neatly into a category and I can’t think of a simple label either.
But, if I had to settle on something, it would be…
Spiritual Philosophically Agnostic Scientist
Spiritual — because I feel deeply connected to nature, humanity, and our mysterious, incredible universe.
Philosophical — because there is wisdom to be learned from traditions, ancient and modern, and I intend to practise them.
Agnostic — because I believe we don’t know ultimate truths about the universe or reality, and we may never know.
Scientist — because I will keep asking questions and trying to understand reality as honestly as I can.
I try to practise meditation, stillness, and gratitude daily.
I walk outside in the fresh air, surrounded by trees, and I breathe.
I engage in daily bowls of ice cream and cuddles with the dogs.
Every night at 10 p.m., I take the dogs outside and pause to look up at the sky. And I read. I read as much as I can about religion, history, and philosophy.
There are still days, the difficult ones, when I long for a higher, stronger, and trusted power to scoop me up and fill me with confidence. Those are the days I miss religion and faith the most.
But for now, the path I’m on feels right for me. I will keep an open-mind, learn what I can, and question everything.
If you’ve had a similar journey to mine, or one that is completely different, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.
We all benefit from another perspective. Thank you for sharing.
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