Family estrangement & Finding your people
Family is a privilege, not a right.
A Childhood Reflection
During childhood, authority figures spoke and acted without challenge. You complied, conformed, and adapted to survive.
Though you grew taller every day, you still felt small. Ignored, misunderstood, and excluded.
The people you lived with were called family.
The family was held together not with love or affection, but the glue of obedience and survival.
There was no opting out, you were too young.
As an adult, you no longer live under the same roof as your ‘family’ nor do you depend on them for survival.
You have have attempted to draw a line in the sand, and leave your childhood in the past. You try to connect. You try to find common ground. But still they see you as incompetent, annoying, and frustrating. Incapable of living independently, and needing their direction and interference. They continue to dismiss, insult, and belittle.
In their eyes, you are not an individual who needs boundaries, self-expression, and choice. You are too sensitive, too difficult, and always the problem.
But wait, isn’t family supposed to care? To love? To respect?
Chosen family — The Remedy
The term “chosen family” refers to the deep, enduring bonds formed by choice rather than blood, marriage, or legal obligation.
These relationships often function as a healthy and function family could, providing emotional safety, mutual care, shared identity, and long-term commitment.
Chosen Family emerged in its modern sense in the late 20th century, most often within LGBTQ+ communities in the 1970s–1980s, though the concept itself is much older than the phrase.
The term became widely used during the HIV/AIDS epidemic, when biological families often withdrew; and care, advocacy, and end-of-life support were provided by friends. This period strongly cemented the concept of chosen family in both language and culture.
“Chosen family” is now commonly used beyond LGBTQ+ contexts, including among estranged adults, survivors of family trauma, migrants, and people forming intentional communities.
Why is ‘chosen family’ on the rise?
Oprah broke apart the seal of secrecy recently, documenting a wide range of family estrangements. The response has been seismic.
Some argue that ‘Chosen Family’ is on the rise because of cultural shifts towards selfishness. This is not supported by evidence, and is more likely a narrative pushed by those hurt by the estrangement process.
Where ancient and medieval humans were once embedded in their family of origin to ensure physical survival; most modern adults now have access to shelter, food, and some form of healthcare, outside of our family.
Abraham Maslow, the famous psychologist, suggested that once our physiological needs are met, human beings naturally begin to seek psychological and existential needs higher up the hierarchy. It is not a conscious choice, it is a natural innate evolution of self.
Higher up the needs pyramid, humans now prioritise connection and intimacy, acceptance rather than mere tolerance, self-respect, confidence, dignity, recognition, emotional expression, validation, creativity, and the search for truth.
It is not selfish to want to meet these needs. They are natural stepping stones on the journey to becoming a fully realised human being. It is at this level where people can begin to demonstrate concern and care for humanity, and may feel called towards serving the greater good.
Find Your True Self First
Some people must first unlearn the habits that kept them safe in coercive families: hyper-independence, emotional minimisation, pre-emptive withdrawal.
These strategies once protected you. Now they can keep you invisible.
Get to know yourself, deeply.
Do the work to understand who you are, why you are who you are, what you need from life and people, and what you can give to others.
Explore your ethics — what are your guiding principles in life, and why are they your principles?
Explore your values — what is important to you, and why are these your values?
Outsource to the professionals when needed. This is the stage where the reflective mirror of therapy can be invaluable.
Understand your unique nervous system (i.e. how physically, emotionally, and socially sensitive it is) and what it needs to maintain balance.
Understand your personality — Jung’s 16 Personalities (i.e. INFJ) is a solid place to start. Plus the 5-factor model.
Explore your interests and hobbies — try new things, and if they don’t stick, it’s ok to move on. Remember, life is like a box of chocolates!
Most importantly, understand your triggers.
Every human has triggers, even you. Learn what they are, and start to dismantle them. It could be a particular topic, word, phrase, person, or place that triggers rapid anger and frustration. Whatever makes you feel and act defensively, needs to be unpacked and understood.
It’s very common for those transitioning from default family to chosen family to carry immense psychological wounds. Take care of you first, and then go find your family.
Waiting Patiently For Chosen Family
Chosen family isn’t found by accident.
If you find yourself on this path to finding your people, here are some suggestions that might help you on your way.
Be on the look out for opportunities to meet people who share similar interests, values, life goals, and worldviews as you. These are by no means a guarantee, but they can provide enough common-ground to spark a connection.
Your chosen family may reveal themselves slowly, one by one, over many years and decades. And waiting for them might be hard, even lonely.
For most of human history, belonging was automatic. Chosen family reverses this completely. No one is assigned to you. No one is required to stay. This means you may have long stretches where you have no family at all. This is not because you’re unworthy, but because meaningful bonds take time to form.
This can feel like failure when it’s actually just the cost of freedom.
Expect to find more potential chosen family, than actual chosen family. Most people you will meet, won’t end up being your people. This is not a failure, it is an impersonal reality.
You must learn how to signal availability, without chasing. Learn how to tolerate not knowing if a connection is reciprocated and how to invest in a friendship without over-investing. And, learn when to leave yourself.
Not everyone was taught these skills, and many people hit adulthood fluent in survival, but illiterate in friendship mutuality.
Your chosen family may reveal themselves slowly, one by one, over many years and decades. And waiting for them might be hard, even lonely.
For all humans, intense connections can be mistaken for genuine connection if the common ground is made up of shared trauma and rapid over-disclosure. This may feel like “finally being seen” and can feel like a relief. These friendships are important yes, but typically have a shelf-life, or are only meant to last a season.
Time is the only real filter for recognising Chosen Family, and time is uncomfortable when you’re lonely.
Recognising Chosen Family
Care and concern will flow in both directions over time, not because it’s following a set of rules, but because it is a natural expression of connection. Gone is the one-way street you once endured.
Your career, and personal growth and achievements will be sincerely celebrated, not subtly sabotaged or belittled.
Chosen family will have ‘your back’ and you will have theirs, in a way you might never have had. Reliable social and emotional support, without a side-dish of guilt or resentment.
And you won’t have to put on a happy face or perform, just so they’ll stay. Unconditional acceptance of setbacks, bad days, quiet times, distress and failure, is the bedrock of authentic chosen family.
Final Thoughts
Many don’t realise they’ve found chosen family, until they are firmly entrenched in your life.
Don’t be fooled, chosen family is not meant to be ‘easy’. All normal and healthy connections ebb and flow, but eventually find their way back to neutrality over time.
Your default family may not understand why you have chosen to move on. In my experience, most people don’t walk away for nothing, and the process of decoupling can be devastating.
But if you have endured, it’s ok to walk away.
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