The Secular Life Philosophy For Secular Humans in the 21 Century

Philosophy and psychology for secular humans

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  • Secular Questions

    For anyone questioning their religion, philosophy, and worldview

    Source: ImgFlip — “I don’t know” Kid

    Not a Medium member? Click here to read for free

    What ‘Being Secular’ Is Not

    Being secular does not mean a person is going to hell. Being secular does not mean a person is dangerous and immoral. Being secular does not mean a person doesn’t care about life. Being secular does not mean a person wants to be alone.

    What ‘Being Secular’ Is

    Secularity is the search for truth, morality, and meaning; outside of any authority (be it religious, philosophical, or other).

    A secular person treats all religious traditions, philosophical schools, great thinkers, and intellectual lineages as questionable.

    Plato doesn’t get a free pass.
    Nietzsche doesn’t get a free pass.
    Neither does Buddhism, Christianity, Stoicism, Marxism, or Existentialism.

    The secular person is compelled to read critically, mine texts and artefacts for insight (not authority), engage others in critical discussions, agree, disagree, contemplate, and consider. All in the interest of developing a deeper understanding of life and the cosmos.

    Curious folk, the secular person and will often quietly ponder:

    Why should I accept that?

    What’s the argument?

    What’s the evidence?

    What happens if it’s wrong?

    Secularity doesn’t mean rejecting tradition, it means refusing to let any tradition decide what’s true.

    Not Sure If You Are Secular?

    A Tool To Help You Understand Your Path

    I’ve put together a questionnaire that might help you on your quest to understand yourself better.

    It will help highlight secular trends within topics such as the cosmos, reality, truth, the supernatural, justice, meaning, purpose, life, and death.

    It’s important you understand that there are no right or wrong answers here. This is an exploratory exercise. Answer based on what feels most true for you, most of the time.

    For each statement, answer either 1) Yes, 2) Sometimes / Not sure, or 3) No

    A. Authority & Truth

    1. I don’t believe any religious text has special authority over truth.
    2. I’m comfortable questioning beliefs I was raised with.
    3. I don’t feel obliged to accept an idea just because it’s traditional or sacred.
    4. If evidence clearly contradicted a belief I hold, I’d feel open to revising it.

    B. God, the Divine, and the Supernatural

    1. I don’t rely on God, gods, or a higher power to explain how the world works.
    2. I don’t assume there is a divine plan guiding my life.
    3. When something good or bad happens, I don’t usually interpret it as “meant to be”.
    4. I’m more comfortable with “I don’t know” than with spiritual certainty.

    C. Morality & Right and Wrong

    1. I decide what’s right or wrong based on harm, fairness, and empathy rather than religious rules.
    2. I think moral values are shaped by humans, cultures, and circumstances.
    3. I don’t believe people deserve suffering because of sin, karma, or divine judgment.
    4. I feel responsible for my ethical choices rather than accountable to a higher power.

    D. Meaning & Purpose

    1. I think meaning in life is something we create or discover, not something handed down.
    2. I don’t believe life needs a cosmic purpose to be worthwhile.
    3. Relationships, curiosity, creativity, or care for others give my life meaning.
    4. I’m okay with my sense of purpose changing over time.

    E. Death, Uncertainty & the Unknown

    1. I don’t feel certain about what happens after death.
    2. I’m willing to live without a clear answer to ultimate questions.
    3. I try to avoid believing things just because they’re comforting.
    4. I think uncertainty is part of being honest, not a failure of faith.

    F. Everyday Life & Identity

    1. Religion doesn’t play a central role in my daily decisions.
    2. I don’t organise my life around religious rules, rituals, or obligations.
    3. I feel comfortable being around people with many different beliefs.
    4. I don’t feel the need to label myself religious or spiritual.

    How to understand your answers

    If you answered mostly “Yes”, then your worldview and beliefs are trending in a secular direction. If this is news to you, my no.1 recommendation to you is to read more. Learn about the difference between being secular and being non-religious, and contrast both with religious and philosophical traditions.

    If you chose a mix of “Yes” and “Sometimes”. It sounds like you are loosely secular, and might be questioning, or possibly transitioning away from religious frameworks. For some, this is a time of incredible freedom and enlightenment. But for others, it can feel unsettling, unstable, and uncertain. My suggestion is to find people like you who will act as your unbiased guide or partner in truth-seeking. There are many of us here on Medium so don’t hesitate to reach out, but also look to those in your real-life, or with affiliate Humanist organisations.

    If you answered mostly “No”. This suggests you are currently being guided by religious or spiritual authority. All power to you, and I’d love to hear in the comments what’s most important to you and what you most appreciate about your belief system.

    “I might be secular” — What does this mean?

    Learning you are secular might feel scary at first. I understand this personally. But once you sit with the concept and lean in to what it means, you too can experience a deep sense of freedom.

    Secularism can be understood as an approach to truth seeking. As a truth-seeker, your curiosity can now explore anywhere it is drawn, without barriers or restriction, and without fear of reprisals or punishment.

    In a secular life, ideas earn their place in your mind by how well they work, not by where they come from. You get to decide what makes sense, what needs more investigation, and what belongs in the ‘nonsense’ pile.

    You can change your mind every minute of every day. You are never locked into a belief set. Wanting to revise your worldview isn’t a sign that you are fleeting or fickle, it’s a sign you’re paying attention to new information.

    Meaning and life purpose now get to be flexible. They can change as you change. Your life won’t collapse if one idea, belief, or story stops making sense. You can build another, with anyone you wish, whenever you choose.

    Morality, justice, and responsibility also now become your choice. No more worrying about moral bookeeping anymore. There is no tallying of sins, no cosmic karma, nor monitoring of spiritual progress. You get to decide to whom, how, and what kind of choices are kind and good for humanity. You wont be threatened with the eternal wrath of any being or fear of being sent to a fiery pit when you make mistakes. Instead, you will be held accountable in this lifetime, according to the laws of humanity.

    You won’t be expected to justify suffering as meaningful and righteous. And nor will you be asked to accept pain as ‘part of a bigger plan’ of action higher being. The terrible truth is; sometimes bad, horrendous, and painful things happen, and it really sucks.

    Most important of all, as a secular individual, you don’t have to know all the answers.

    Actually, you don’t have to have any answers.

    It is perfectly ok to answer all of life’s big questions with “I don’t know”, and “I’m not sure”.

    Religious And Spiritual Certainty Can Relieve Existential Anxiety
    How do agnostic leaning secular & non-religious cope without this comfort?medium.com

  • Are You a Bad Person Too?

    The shady parts of ourselves we try to hide

    “Friendly and patient. Delightfully pleasant and easy-going.”

    Sorry, are you talking about me?

    You couldn’t be.

    Source: ImgFlip — Ben Affleck Demonstrating Tolerance

    Not a Medium member? Read here for free

    Oh wait, you might be referring to the everyday la-la-la version of me: the one who is conversationally well-rounded and executes engaging, polite social discourse. I am eternally grateful to this version of myself.

    Nurturing this aspect of myself is essential in ensuring I am not exiled to the furthest pier pylon, like an unwanted barnacle.

    In the interests of living a life of authenticity and honesty, I would like to introduce you to some of the less palatable versions of myself.

    In doing so, I hope to reassure those who fear letting the world see your other ‘sides’.

    You will see me, and I hope you will share you.

    Acknowledging My Darker Shades Of Grey

    My spouse has the patience of a Zen monk. Incredible patience, always has. Observing this phenomenon over the years has only served to highlight my lack thereof. The truth? I am frequently impatient. Not always, but often enough to realise it’s a ‘thing’.

    When others take a lifetime to arrive at simple, (obvious) conclusions, or dilly-dally along the way, my brain starts screaming. It feels like tension, behind the eyes. A spike of agitation, felt through the shoulders and jaw. The temptation to say something sarcastic at their expense, take over the problem-solving, or step away entirely is strong. Fortunately, I am very aware of how awful it is to be around someone who is pushy and impatient, sarcastic and smug, so I work extra hard to regulate this version of myself.

    Similar to my cognitive impatience, I feel irate with physical slowness. The kind where people move glacially, especially in situations where a little hustle would be gratefully appreciated. I’m not referring to scenarios where people are happily enjoying a mindful stroll.

    Stroll on, good people!

    I refer instead to those who totter along in traffic when the light turns green, or who stand in the middle of the shopping aisle blissfully unaware that efficient ninja shoppers require space for speed.

    And oh, how I groan internally, hidden behind my everything is fine façade, when hypocrisy arrives. I’m sure you’ve met these people: the do as I say, not as I do brigade. No amount of gentle discussion, reframing, probing, highlighting, or the provision of contradictory evidence can persuade them. Externally we relent, no one likes a scene; while internally we rage.

    And now we arrive at commonsense. I am a vocal cheerleader of the virtue of being kind. I truly believe in its importance and potential to make our world a safer and more compassionate place. But there is a version of myself that in the past has struggled to be kind; when I encounter people for whom commonsense appears to be a foreign language.

    Externally, I am genial enough.

    But oh ho no, not the inner-self.

    “How can you not know?”

    “It’s obvious”

    “Why are you asking?”

    This personal irritation has historically been my most egregious blindspot.

    The Reality Of Commonsense

    In mainstream society, demonstrating commonsense is often confused as evidence of higher intelligence.

    But evidence strongly suggests that intelligence is not a reliable marker of commonsense, even though many of us often treat it as one.

    So if commonsense is not ‘how smart you are’, then what is it?

    When we refer to something as commonsense, usually served up with a dose of haughty derision, what we are in-fact highlighting is that something is familiar, known, or emotionally comfortable, for us.

    Not something that is universally understood or true, or only perceivable to those of higher intelligence. To those familiar with the topic at hand, fact, or action; it feels obvious, sometimes painfully obvious, but to others it’s hidden.

    This is not intelligence, this is familiarity.

    Commonsense is also not natural, or instinctive. Researchers have studied this phenomenon extensively, and have shown repeatedly that commonsense is learned through socialisation, education, and imitation.

    In stable and familiar contexts, commonsense is ‘common’, and reliable, because local knowledge and insight is spread throughout the family and community. Change the conditions or environment however, and one person’s version of commonsense will come in to conflict with another persons.

    And how about the arrogance and sense of superiority of those with commonsense?

    I know you know what I’m talking about. The lofty sense of self-importance felt by those who believe they have been gifted with far more commonsense than their peers.

    They don’t yet know that commonsense isn’t a reflection of any kind of intelligence, or superiority or personality.

    Yes, I have been guilty of this in the past. I fell in to the trap of believing the familiarity I experienced around certain topics, areas, and ideas, meant I was smarter, and wiser than others.

    Insufferable!

    Fortunately, the universe has a ready remedy for this nonsense. A healthy dose of expositional humility can wholly cure one of the arrogance that comes with a commonsense superiority complex.

    Now that you’ve met the ‘real’ me, and learnt more about what truly irks and pains me, I understand if you never want to read my stories again.

    Who knew I was such an irritable punk?!

    But, I would love to entertain the possibility that what I’ve described is familiar to you.

    Perhaps you too have a list, long or short, of interpersonal grievances you’re afraid to acknowledge in the light of day.

    We all possess different shades of personality traits and quirks.

    No one is all good or all bad.

    The Life of an Outsider
    Walking your own path, no matter the costmedium.com

  • Religious And Spiritual Certainty Can Relieve Existential Anxiety

    How do agnostic leaning secular & non-religious cope without this comfort?

    Source: Pixabay, Pexels — The image is not relevant. Great timing by the photographer.

    Not a Medium member? Click here to access article

    What Is Certainty?

    Certainty is an extremely important psychological state.
    The feeling of certainty allows us to get on with our day, instead of getting stuck in questions, what ifs, and self-doubt.

    Certainty does not mean fact. Certainty is also not the same as truth, nor is it the same as being correct.

    You can feel certain you locked the door, even if it isn’t actually locked.

    You can feel certain a friend will show up, even if they eventually don’t.

    Even though the actual outcome isn’t certain, the fact that the person feels certainty is sufficient to enable the brain and body to relax.

    Once certainty kicks in, worry evaporates.

    Certainty vs Uncertainty: A Real-World Example

    Certainty Is In the House

    Friday rolls around.

    Your brain processes what it expects to happen that day. It uses the available information:

    • It’s Friday.
    • Your pay has always arrived on Friday.

    From this, it settles into certainty: your pay will arrive today.

    Easy. Certain. Let’s get on with the day.

    Certainty Has Left The Building

    Friday rolls around.
    Your brain recognises that it’s Friday and hopes your pay will come through.

    But it doesn’t feel settled, it doesn’t feel certain that this will happen.

    Instead, the what ifs begin:

    • What if they forget to process your pay?
    • What if it goes to someone else?
    • What if the amount is wrong?
    • What if you’ve been fired and no one’s told you yet?

    Without certainty, the brain gets stuck in What If Town. Without certainty, the brain feels unstable, and unsettled. Certainty is the STOP sign that tells the brain to stop questioning and worrying. With certainty, we relax into relief. And what a blissful state that is.

    The Psychological Benefits Of Certainty

    The №1 benefit of feeling certainty is that it minimises anxiety.

    When we feel overwhelmed and anxious with too many choices, self-doubt, or worry about whether we’re making the right choice, a dose of certainty can swoop in and quieten our nervous system.

    Ways We Find Certainty

    We adopt comprehensive worldviews. People seek certainty by committing to systems that claim explanatory reach: religion, political ideology, scientism, economic theory, therapeutic frameworks. What matters is not truth alone, but the promise of a story where everything fits together.

    We look to authorities or institutions. Clergy, sacred texts, and tradition on one side; academics, experts, “the science,” or data on the other. Deference to such authorities reduces the burden of doubt. We don’t need to think, because someone else has already done it for us!

    We participate in repetition, ritual, and community. Prayer and liturgy have secular cousins. The daily news cycles, social media rhythm, and shared outrage give us a focus to unite over. Routines and rituals connect us to friends, family and community by instilling a sense of stability and familiarity.

    When Uncertainty Dominates

    When uncertainty dominates, we can waste our days trying to problem-solve the same issue, big or small, from every angle.

    We second-guess every decision we make, look and check for possible weakness or errors.

    The worry about what could go wrong loops around and around.

    It’s exhausting.

    Source: Imgflip.com

    Is There a Dark Side to Certainty?

    Unfortunately, yes.

    Certainty can absolutely reduce anxiety, but it can also limit our curiosity and close the mind off to new ideas.

    Integrating and incorporating new information into our existing belief systems asks a lot of the brain. It must reassess old assumptions, tolerate uncertainty, and momentarily give up the comfort of closure. It must loosen what once felt settled, sit with ambiguity, and wait longer before it can rest.

    Not surprisingly, given this cost, many people find being open to new information too stressful and unsettling.

    They, and their brains, prefer certainty.

    Certainty about beliefs.
    Certainty about ideas.
    Certainty about people.

    How Do Believers React When Certainty Cracks

    On some level, often unconscious, a person may sense that their position is on shaky ground. They may sense that contradictory facts are stacking up or that long-held assumptions are wrong.

    They individual may witness the fall of authority figures who are revealed as corrupt, fake, untrustworthy.

    It’s easier for the brain to reject new information, than integrate it. To dismiss a contradictory statement is less energy intensive compared to reflecting and consider its merits. Discrediting a person as immoral, ignorant, or untrustworthy, can be the quickest and complete path towards rejecting an entire school of thought.

    Psychological defensiveness is the brains most reliable belief protection strategy.

    Instead of contemplating new information, the defender doubles down. A friendly debate becomes arguing, tactics become dirty, and personal attacks escalate.

    Doubling down can be a sign of a fragile belief system fighting hard to avoid collapse. A collapsing belief system can trigger extraordinary distress and anxiety.

    How Can Secular & Non-Religious People Cope Without Certainty?

    “I don’t know.”

    Being able to say “I don’t know” encourages our brain to embrace ambiguity and uncertainty. This is not a state the brain is comfortable with and you will likely feel cognitive distress or resistance, at least initially.

    But if you persist, and purposefully revisit ambiguity of ideas and beliefs, break-down rebuttals and work through resistance, your mind will slowly become more flexible and open-minded.

    “I don’t know” is NOT a sign of moral or ethical weakness.

    “I don’t know”, and its second-cousin “I’m not sure”, make room for compassionate conversation. Stepping in to an unknown mental space and allowing the uncertainty to settle, gives your brain time to relax around new ideas.

    New ideas are no longer automatically and immediately threatening.

    Because you are under no obligation to integrate new ideas into your existing beliefs, you can instead start by listening. Your mind can wander, ponder, try on new ideas, and see what fits.

    A brain fixated on one belief system, may deliver comfort in certainty, it offers little room for growth or personal development.

    Accepting “I don’t know”

    For me, “I don’t know” is increasingly becoming a safe cognitive and emotional space.

    When I contemplate big metaphysical, moral, and ethics questions such as:

    What happens when we die?

    Is there an intelligent creator of the universe?

    Does consciousness continue after we die?

    Why does suffering exist?

    I find myself preferring “I don’t know”.

    I don’t feel comfortable claiming a position, either in the affirmative or negative. Any kind of dogmatic or doctrinal boundaries feel rigid, cagey.

    When I encounter an ‘expert’ that claims to have clarity on these questions, I will confess, my brain does leap for joy. A significant part of my brain still seeks certainty, especially existential certainty, in fact I crave it!

    But in the wonderful realm of the metaphysical, the universe, and humanity’s ultimate role, certainty still eludes me.

    The search for certainty will continue.

    Why Humanity No Longer Needs Religion
    Religion helped us grow up, but science will help us transcendmedium.com

  • “Be the Bigger Person”

    Why prioritising short-term peace over real-time repair destroys relationships

    Photo by Taylor Friehl on Unsplash

    When You Are Asked To “Be The Bigger Person”

    A vignette & social-dynamic analysis 

    Mick: That was rough, I’m going to give Joe a few minutes then try to talk to him about what he said.

    John: Maybe don’t, just let it go, be the bigger person.

    Mick: What do you mean by “bigger, person”?

    John: You know… don’t react. Rise above it.

    Mick: Above what exactly? What he said was uncalled for and he should know it.

    John: Well… it’s best to not let it get to you. It’s not worth it.

    Mick: Worth what?

    John: The drama. Arguing. Fights. We’re all having a good night. Just leave it be.

    Mick: So when you say “be the bigger person,” you’re really saying “help make this go away.”

    John: I’m just saying I think it’s better to keep the peace.

    Mick: Whose peace?

    John: Everyone’s.

    Mick: Including mine?

    John: …. sure, yours too. You’ll feel better once this blows over. I just think sometimes you have to let things slide.

    Mick: Sometimes, sure. But did you see and hear what he said?

    John: I did. It wasn’t good, but I think you’re making too big a deal out of it.

    Mick: I wouldn’t say it’s a big deal. And I want to address the issue. This isn’t a first for him, it’s about time I called him out.

    John: No don’t, just leave it! You’ll ruin the night for everyone.

    Mick: So you would prefer me to carry on as if nothing happened, just so everyone can feel more comfortable.

    John: I guess. I just think being the bigger person is the mature thing. You’re a lot smart about these things than Joe is.

    What’s happening here?

    Social-Dynamic Analysis

    “Be the bigger person” is used to stabilise a social system at risk of disruption. Someone has committed a transgression, the wronged individual expressed they wish to address the issue, but bystanders jump in to persuade them not to, because the broader social cost for the group is too costly.

    In other words, if Mick tells Joe that his comments were “way outta line”, 

    John thinks the shit could hit the fan.

    Because not only is Joe known for being a bit of a prick who mouths off, over the years his friends have observed that he is also emotionally immature and struggles with serious conversations. When confronted, they know there is a good chance Joe will over react with outrage and humiliation. Most of the time Joe is a good guy, funny even!

    Mick is sick of Joe’s nonsense and finally wants to address his behaviour.

    His friends understand that this could cause them all a lot discomfort, and may mean asking accountability from a person not known for their self-awareness. To take this path could thoroughly destabilise the social equilibrium of their night out and friendship group.

    Rather than ask Joe to take responsibility for his words and actions, the system (in this case the group of friends) reasons that the easier path is to shift the burden on to Mick.

    So Mick’s friends tell him to “just drop it”, “be the bigger person”.

    They flatter him by declaring he’s “the more emotionally mature of the two”, attempting to manipulate his decision making.

    This dynamic, the attempt to shift the burden away from the more volatile transgressor, is common in friendship groups, relationships, and within families.

    Parents may ask the elder sibling to “ignore” a younger siblings behaviour because they are older and supposedly have greater capacity for emotional regulation.

    A group of siblings may pressure a younger sibling to ignore the domineering behaviour of an older more powerful sister or brother, lest they are all then punished and suffer the consequences of their meltdown.

    Short-Term Harmony Becomes Lost-Term Pain

    The “bigger person” strategy persists because it delivers group peace in the short-term. It can end conflict quickly, restores surface harmony, avoids uncomfortable conversations, and asks of no accountability from the instigator.

    But for it to work, the harmed individual must agree to it and absorb the stress and tension of the situation.

    In doing so, the person who caused the harm and the bystanders who prefer an ‘easier’ path, are protected.

    In families, this can be emotionally immature parents, a “golden” child, and older or younger siblings.

    In workplaces, seniority, those with fragile reputations, and toxic “team culture” are the immediate beneficiaries.

    But what happens to the person pressured in to silence?

    The Bigger Cost

    Repeated exposure to “bigger person” mentality teaches the harmed individual that their personal boundaries don’t matter.

    They must box up and suppress their anger if they wish to be part of this family or social group.

    And it’s not just the individual who suffers long-term. Eventually, the toxicity of ongoing suppression infects the broader group.

    It begins when the suppressed hit that wall. Do you know that wall?

    It is here where they discover they will not and can not suppress their anger, resentment, and distress anymore.

    One consequences of a thousand small transgressions, one day collectively remerging as one explosive inevitable recalibrating reaction.

    Can we blame them? Of course not.

    And the kicker? The bystander, unable to hold the less emotionally evolved accountable, will point fingers and label the long-suffering suppressed as:

    “the difficult one”

    “the problem child”

    “too sensitive”

    “the black sheep”

    These people become the quintessential scapegoat.

    The Braver Path & The Freedom Path

    The braver path asks a lot of people, but I maintain my hope in humanity’s capacity and willingness to evolve. Sometimes, we just need to spotlight the way.

    1. Deal with problems while they’re happening.
       Emotions are information. Addressing them early prevents them from hardening into resentment.
    2. Name harm when it occurs.
       Acknowledging impact isn’t about blame. it’s about keeping things accurate.
    3. Treat accountability as a strength.
       Owning our part builds trust and reduces repeat harm.
    4. Accept a bit of discomfort
       Awkward conversations now are cheaper than major ruptures later.
    5. Don’t outsource the cost to one person
       Repair only works when responsibility is shared.
    6. Choose stability over surface harmony
       Peace that includes honesty lasts longer than peace that relies on silence.

    Sometimes, the people in our life are not capable or willing to change.

    There is another option if you try to talk to them about collective change and personal growth, and you are rebuked or mocked.

    It is the Freedom Path.

    At a certain point in time, and you will know it when it arrives… 

    You must give yourself permission to walk away.

    Give yourself permission to prioritise your mental and social wellbeing.

    It may take you many attempts, and that’s ok.

    Standing up for you takes courage and time.

    A reflection on my own journey as a conflict-averse “be the bigger person” endurer, who is now a conflict-prepared “get stuffed” champion.

    In my 20s, I was intensely conflict-averse, doing everything and anything possible to avoid tension or unrest. I avoided or shrunk from completely minor incidents such as accidentally bumping in to someone, swiftly issuing an apology and indicating the blame was all mine. And I avoided anything that threatened to be a verbal stoutish by maintaining hyper vigilance and olympic level social agility.

    I believed I was being mature. By avoiding friction, I was choosing peace.

    As I approached my 30s, I noticed my internal experience change. I continued to avoid conflict of all kinds by any means, but this was now coupled with a growing realisation and clarity around relationships, my role, and the responsibility of others. I felt resentment. Interactions that previously disappeared from my conscious experience as soon as I moved beyond a tense situation, now lingered. And the volume of this resentment only increased with each wrinkle.

    Arriving at my 40s, the anger and resentment had evolved in to what I today call clarity. This emerging ‘clarity’, having marinated over many decades, brought with it the ability to articulate how I felt, describe the dynamic at play, and pathways resolutions.

    During my 20s and 30s, no one ever needed to suggest I “be the bigger person”, to avoid conflict and present a cascade of peace. But you can bet I’ve encountered it in recent years!

    I don’t thrive on drama, and I certainly don’t seek out conflict. The truth is I find conflict incredibly stressful and emotionally taxing. The choice I face today is do I ignore my right to be treated with kindness and respect, or do I allow others to do and say as they please? Wherever possible, I choose the middle road. I address issues as they arise, whilst doing my best to maintain a calm and considerate manner. If intuition tells me the situation is escalating, I voice my observation, and suggest we reconvene at a later time. Not avoidance; simply emotional regulation and a promise to follow-up.

  • Why “You Should Just Forgive” Is Terrible Advice

    The Psychological Harm of Forgiving the Unrepentant

    Source: Cup of Couple, Pixel

    “You need to forgive for yourself.”

    “Holding onto anger only hurts you.”

    “Forgiveness is how you let go.”

    This terrible advice shifts responsibility away from the person who caused harm and onto the person who endured it.

    This is not healing; it is a damaging psychological contortion that disregards the real impact on the harmed individual.

    Presenting this approach as emotionally mature or psychologically healthy is fundamentally flawed.

    What I Mean by Toxic Forgiveness

    By toxic forgiveness, I mean the cultural practice of encouraging forgiveness in the absence of accountability, where responsibility is shifted away from the person who caused harm and onto the person who was harmed, often framed as self-care, emotional maturity, or psychological health.

    This form of forgiveness prioritises the social comfort of others and emotionally bypasses truth, repair, and justice.

    It asks the injured party to resolve a moral rupture internally, while leaving the underlying behaviour unchanged.

    Depriving a person of their right to have harm acknowledged not only injures the individual, but poisons relationships over time. Human connection cannot survive long-term in such an environment, be it a parent, sibling, friend, or other relationship

    A person who is allowed or enabled to harm repeatedly learns that they can act without consequence. This creates a volatile and dangerous mentality and often results in escalating harmful behaviour.

    Over the past seventy years since World War II, forgiveness has been rebranded as an act of self-care — a path to inner peace and personal growth. This cultural shift echoes what theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer warned against as “cheap grace”: forgiveness offered without repentance or responsibility (The Cost of Discipleship, 1937).

    “You wronged me, own it” has quietly become “I need to work on letting this go.”

    Resolution stops being the priority.

    What Forgiveness Actually Means

    The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines forgive as:

    • ceasing to feel resentment toward an offender
    • giving up a claim to retribution
    • granting relief from a debt or obligation

    According to this definition, for forgiveness to occur it requires the accused to acknowledge a moral debt has accrued through the committal of a wrongdoing.

    Acknowledge.

    If the wrongdoer does not acknowledge that a wrong has occurred, does not accept responsibility for it, and does not express genuine regret, then forgiveness is logically not possible.

    Why Bystanders Encourage Unconditional Forgiveness

    Forcing forgiveness without requiring accountability from the wrongdoer is emotionally cheaper for everyone involved, except the injured party.

    Everyone else feels better.

    No one has to confront difficult or dangerous behaviour.

    No one has to insist on change.

    Conflict is buried or ignored, and life goes on.

    People who encourage victims to forgive unconditionally should be treated with extreme caution. Often, they care less about the victim’s pain and more about their own low tolerance for conflict and their desire for social calm. The dust may seem to settle, and it may appear that people have “moved on,” but this is rarely true for the aggrieved.

    What is convenient for everyone else is corrosive for the harmed individual.

    Victims who are empathic, conflict-averse, or highly self-reflective are frequently pressured to forgive unconditionally. This pressure is manipulative and framed as being in their best interests, necessary for wellbeing, growth, or emotional maturity.

    The harmed person may say, “I’m okay,” or “Let’s just forget it,” after an injustice or during later conflict. This often happens because the path to accountability has been made too costly. It becomes easier to carry the hurt alone than to endure the social consequences of insisting on truth and restitution.

    In this way, bystanders become complicit. And the wronged individual is harmed again.

    When the Wrongdoer Refuses to Take Responsibility

    Accountability requires self-awareness, reflection, and the capacity to admit wrongdoing. Faced with the impact of their actions, many people will do or say almost anything to avoid it.

    How hard is it to acknowledge you were wrong and make amends?
    It turns out, extremely hard.

    Humans develop what psychologists call a sense of self: an internal library describing who we believe we are. Most people are psychologically invested in seeing themselves as “good.” When evidence threatens that self-image, defensiveness often follows.

    When a person acts harmfully, the contradiction between behaviour and identity can feel intolerable. In reality, no one is wholly good or wholly bad. Most of us are mostly good and occasionally do harmful or foolish things.

    A psychologically healthy adult can accept this. For them, taking responsibility for isolated actions makes sense, and repair follows naturally.

    For someone whose sense of being a “good person” is fragile, contradictory evidence feels dangerous. Accountability threatens collapse. These individuals may dismiss, undermine, minimise, deflect, or lie. Responsibility will not be forthcoming.

    You are not obligated to forgive people who refuse to acknowledge harm.

    Forgiveness should never be offered where harm has not been recognised.

    Will this affect your relationship with them? Almost certainly.
    That is not your fault.

    You are not being unreasonable.
    You are not overly sensitive.
    You are not “making a big deal out of nothing.”

    The Church’s Approach to Forgiveness

    I am non-religious and take issue with many aspects of religion. The Christian Church’s approach to forgiveness is one notable exception. The Church does encourage forgiveness, but crucially, only after absolution.

    What Is Absolution?

    Absolution requires three non-negotiable actions by the wrongdoer:

    1. Acknowledgement of wrongdoing
       Naming the act as wrong, without minimising, reframing, or justifying it.
    2. Acceptance of moral responsibility
       “I did this,” rather than “this happened” or “we both made mistakes.”
    3. A firm purpose of amendment
       A genuine intention to change behaviour and make amends where possible.

    If any of these elements are missing, absolution is not valid — and forgiveness is not possible.

    “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

    Popular culture loves this line.

    Films and soundbites present forgiveness as a moral shortcut. Classical theology never interpreted it to mean that harm does not matter, repentance is unnecessary, or victims are obliged to release anger for their own good.

    Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18 is explicit:

    “If your brother sins, rebuke him; if he repents, forgive him.”

    That conditional clause mattered then. It should matter now.

    The religious call this absolution.
    The non-religious call it accountability.

    The Balanced Perspective: Accountability vs. Unfair Blame

    Some people are unfairly scrutinised, blamed, or critiqued — not because they habitually do wrong, but because they are convenient targets. Scapegoats.

    This can happen in families, workplaces, and social groups. Yes, it is possible to lack social finesse or make frequent mistakes. But it is also possible that you have simply become accustomed to being blamed.

    Unsure which applies? Step outside your immediate bubble. Talk to someone neutral.

    The Benchmark For Accountability

    Accountability is appropriate and important when harm has actually occurred.

    Who decides when harm, is harmful enough?

    A useful benchmark is to apply the reasonable person standard: would a reasonable person consider the words or actions harmful?

    When this is unclear, seeking an outside perspective, from friends, family, or a therapist, can help distinguish genuine harm from misplaced blame.

    For Those Who Are Constantly Being Blamed

    For people repeatedly held responsible for situations where they have not acted wrongly, the solution is not deeper self-interrogation or performative apology. The answer is to use your judgment to seek clarity.

    Practical steps can include:

    • seeking outside perspective.
    • setting limits on endless self-explanation when wrong-doing is claimed.
    • watching patterns — yours and others’.
    • take the initiative to take accountability when you are wrong, assert reasonable boundaries when you are not.

    Final Thoughts

    Healing and forgiveness are not the same thing.

    Healing involves processing, understanding, and integration.
     Forgiveness is the release of moral debt.

    Healing can occur when genuine forgiveness is possible — but it can also occur without it.

  • Chosen Family

    Family estrangement & Finding your people

    Source: Ingo Joseph, Pexels

    Family is a privilege, not a right.

    A Childhood Reflection

    During childhood, authority figures spoke and acted without challenge. You complied, conformed, and adapted to survive. 

    Though you grew taller every day, you still felt small. Ignored, misunderstood, and excluded.

    The people you lived with were called family.

    The family was held together not with love or affection, but the glue of obedience and survival.

    There was no opting out, you were too young.

    As an adult, you no longer live under the same roof as your ‘family’ nor do you depend on them for survival.

    You have have attempted to draw a line in the sand, and leave your childhood in the past. You try to connect. You try to find common ground. But still they see you as incompetent, annoying, and frustrating. Incapable of living independently, and needing their direction and interference. They continue to dismiss, insult, and belittle.

    In their eyes, you are not an individual who needs boundaries, self-expression, and choice. You are too sensitive, too difficult, and always the problem.

    But wait, isn’t family supposed to care? To love? To respect?

    Chosen family — The Remedy

    The term “chosen family” refers to the deep, enduring bonds formed by choice rather than blood, marriage, or legal obligation.

    These relationships often function as a healthy and function family could, providing emotional safety, mutual care, shared identity, and long-term commitment.

    Chosen Family emerged in its modern sense in the late 20th century, most often within LGBTQ+ communities in the 1970s–1980s, though the concept itself is much older than the phrase.

    The term became widely used during the HIV/AIDS epidemic, when biological families often withdrew; and care, advocacy, and end-of-life support were provided by friends. This period strongly cemented the concept of chosen family in both language and culture.

    “Chosen family” is now commonly used beyond LGBTQ+ contexts, including among estranged adults, survivors of family trauma, migrants, and people forming intentional communities.

    Why is ‘chosen family’ on the rise?

    Oprah broke apart the seal of secrecy recently, documenting a wide range of family estrangements. The response has been seismic.  

    Some argue that ‘Chosen Family’ is on the rise because of cultural shifts towards selfishness. This is not supported by evidence, and is more likely a narrative pushed by those hurt by the estrangement process.

    Where ancient and medieval humans were once embedded in their family of origin to ensure physical survival; most modern adults now have access to shelter, food, and some form of healthcare, outside of our family. 

    Abraham Maslow, the famous psychologist, suggested that once our physiological needs are met, human beings naturally begin to seek psychological and existential needs higher up the hierarchy. It is not a conscious choice, it is a natural innate evolution of self.

    Source: Saul McLeod, PhD

    Higher up the needs pyramid, humans now prioritise connection and intimacy, acceptance rather than mere tolerance, self-respect, confidence, dignity, recognition, emotional expression, validation, creativity, and the search for truth.

    It is not selfish to want to meet these needs. They are natural stepping stones on the journey to becoming a fully realised human being. It is at this level where people can begin to demonstrate concern and care for humanity, and may feel called towards serving the greater good.

    Find Your True Self First 

    Some people must first unlearn the habits that kept them safe in coercive families: hyper-independence, emotional minimisation, pre-emptive withdrawal. 

    These strategies once protected you. Now they can keep you invisible.

    Get to know yourself, deeply.

    Do the work to understand who you are, why you are who you are, what you need from life and people, and what you can give to others.

    Explore your ethics — what are your guiding principles in life, and why are they your principles?

    Explore your values — what is important to you, and why are these your values?

    Outsource to the professionals when needed. This is the stage where the reflective mirror of therapy can be invaluable.

    Understand your unique nervous system (i.e. how physically, emotionally, and socially sensitive it is) and what it needs to maintain balance.

    Understand your personality — Jung’s 16 Personalities (i.e. INFJ) is a solid place to start. Plus the 5-factor model.

    Explore your interests and hobbies — try new things, and if they don’t stick, it’s ok to move on. Remember, life is like a box of chocolates!

    Most importantly, understand your triggers. 

    Every human has triggers, even you. Learn what they are, and start to dismantle them. It could be a particular topic, word, phrase, person, or place that triggers rapid anger and frustration. Whatever makes you feel and act defensively, needs to be unpacked and understood.

    It’s very common for those transitioning from default family to chosen family to carry immense psychological wounds. Take care of you first, and then go find your family.

    Waiting Patiently For Chosen Family

    Chosen family isn’t found by accident.

    If you find yourself on this path to finding your people, here are some suggestions that might help you on your way.

    Be on the look out for opportunities to meet people who share similar interests, values, life goals, and worldviews as you. These are by no means a guarantee, but they can provide enough common-ground to spark a connection.

    Your chosen family may reveal themselves slowly, one by one, over many years and decades. And waiting for them might be hard, even lonely.

    For most of human history, belonging was automatic. Chosen family reverses this completely. No one is assigned to you. No one is required to stay. This means you may have long stretches where you have no family at all. This is not because you’re unworthy, but because meaningful bonds take time to form.

    This can feel like failure when it’s actually just the cost of freedom.

    Expect to find more potential chosen family, than actual chosen family. Most people you will meet, won’t end up being your people. This is not a failure, it is an impersonal reality.

    You must learn how to signal availability, without chasing. Learn how to tolerate not knowing if a connection is reciprocated and how to invest in a friendship without over-investing. And, learn when to leave yourself.

    Not everyone was taught these skills, and many people hit adulthood fluent in survival, but illiterate in friendship mutuality.

    Your chosen family may reveal themselves slowly, one by one, over many years and decades. And waiting for them might be hard, even lonely.

    For all humans, intense connections can be mistaken for genuine connection if the common ground is made up of shared trauma and rapid over-disclosure. This may feel like “finally being seen” and can feel like a relief. These friendships are important yes, but typically have a shelf-life, or are only meant to last a season.

    Time is the only real filter for recognising Chosen Family, and time is uncomfortable when you’re lonely.

    Recognising Chosen Family

    Care and concern will flow in both directions over time, not because it’s following a set of rules, but because it is a natural expression of connection. Gone is the one-way street you once endured.

    Your career, and personal growth and achievements will be sincerely celebrated, not subtly sabotaged or belittled.

    Chosen family will have ‘your back’ and you will have theirs, in a way you might never have had. Reliable social and emotional support, without a side-dish of guilt or resentment.

    And you won’t have to put on a happy face or perform, just so they’ll stay. Unconditional acceptance of setbacks, bad days, quiet times, distress and failure, is the bedrock of authentic chosen family.

    Final Thoughts

    Many don’t realise they’ve found chosen family, until they are firmly entrenched in your life.

    Don’t be fooled, chosen family is not meant to be ‘easy’. All normal and healthy connections ebb and flow, but eventually find their way back to neutrality over time. 

    Your default family may not understand why you have chosen to move on. In my experience, most people don’t walk away for nothing, and the process of decoupling can be devastating. 

    But if you have endured, it’s ok to walk away. 

  • What Was Your Ancient Tribal Role?

    Healer, Night Watcher, Strategist, Maker, or Explorer?

    Cast your mind back 3,000 years.

    There were no offices, no school reports, no productivity apps, and no psychological labels.

    Daily life was organised around survival, routines, and roles.

    Each adult tribal member could be assigned specific role based on their unique personality traits and abilities. 

    These abilities and traits didn’t just disappear when modern life arrived. 

    Instead, they remain coded into your DNA today, revealing themselves as interests, hobbies, jobs, and talent. 

    What role would you have been suited to?

    Join me in an exploration of five possible ancient tribal roles and the personality traits that might have made someone ideally suited to that particular role.

    The Explorer

    The Healer

    The Night Watcher

    The Strategist

    The maker

    Source: Los Muertos Crew, Pexels

    The Explorer

    Your Ancient Role

    Explorers rarely stayed in one place for long, driven to meet their tribe’s need for food, water, and signs of danger. They moved beyond familiar ground, scanned for edible plants, tracked animals, and noticed subtle changes in terrain or weather. They were often the first to discover new resources — and the first to sense when an area was no longer safe. Without exploration, innovation, and adaptation, the tribe couldn’t survive.

    Personality Traits

    The Explorer is energised by the promise of the new — new ideas, places, and possibilities. Fast-paced and curious, their ideas and willingness to pursue them are unparalleled. Their capacity for rapid attention-shifting is unique within the tribe, allowing them to adjust and adapt to anything unexpected.

    Exploring the unknown required tolerating risk and uncertainty. Often bored or restless in static, repetitive environments, the Explorer was rarely still for long, planning their next foray into the unknown. Busy not just in body but often in mind, they were most effective when both were fully engaged.

    Your Modern Challenge

    The traits that once helped the tribe adapt can now hit brick walls in the modern world.

    Modern life rewards predictability, repetition, and sitting still. For the Explorer, this can feel quietly draining at best, and painfully stifling at worst. Long meetings, rigid routines, or highly controlled environments may leave you restless or disengaged. Your mind jumps ahead, scans for something more interesting, or starts planning the next thing before the current one is finished.

    If you’ve ever been told you’re “easily distracted,” “can’t settle,” or “always onto the next thing,” this is often why.

    Honouring Your Ancient DNA In A Modern World

    • Work in short, varied bursts rather than long stretches
    • Build movement into thinking and learning
    • Change environments to reset attention
    • Follow curiosity without needing an immediate outcome
    Source: Arina Krasnikova, Pixels

    The Healer

    Your Ancient Role

    In every tribe, someone had to stay steady when others were in pain. They tended to injury and illness, guided childbirth, sat with grief, and helped process emotional distress. The Healer turned toward suffering rather than away from it. Ancient healing wasn’t always about curing; it was about presence, patience, and helping others return to themselves.

    Personality Traits

    The Healer can stay present in the face of distress, grief, or uncertainty without needing to escape or fix things immediately. Steady and calm during emotional storms, their strength lies in holding space when all around is chaos.

    They quickly sense emotional shifts in others and often offer care without being asked. Deeply attuned to the inner lives of those around them, Healers intuitively understand emotional landscapes, even when they struggle to put that understanding into words. Highly respected in their communities, they show up — and stay.

    Often so focused on others, Healers tend to place others’ needs ahead of their own.

    Your Modern Challenge

    The skills that once helped a tribe recover can now lead to exhaustion.

    In modern life, suffering is constant and boundaries are unclear. You may find yourself absorbing pain from work, relationships, or the wider world. Giving becomes automatic; receiving feels harder. Over time, this can show up as burnout, emotional numbness, or quiet sadness.

    If you’re tired in a way rest doesn’t fix, it’s often because you’ve been carrying too much for too long.

    Honouring Your Ancient DNA In A Modern World

    • Find solitude and rest to reset after emotional engagement.
    • Be mindful of limits, don’t give endlessly.
    • Balance giving with receiving.
    • Seek roles that allow rhythm and recovery.
    Source: Ulho, Pexels

    The Night Watcher

    Your Ancient Role

    While your tribe slept, you watched. When the sun had set, you maintained a quite steely alertness not common amongst your peers. This made you perfect for the role of protecting your people from predators, fire loss, and rival groups, whilst they slept. 

    Personality Traits

    When night falls, you become more alert than most. Not frantic or bounding off the walls, just tuned in. Sensitive to sound and movement, your mind and body remain ready. In ancient times, when something ‘felt’ off, your intuition was able to hone in and assess the risk rapidly. Combined with your ability to notice subtle sounds, movements, and changes that others might miss; your tribe was in safe hands with you at the helm. Sluggish and tired in the morning, your energy cycle is primed to peak at night. Even if you do nod off and nap, you are able to wake quickly and think clearly when an emergency strikes. 

    The Modern Challenge

    Your tendency to stay up late and sleep late is frowned upon in modern life. There is little empathy and understanding for how crucial this type of circadian rhythm and nervous system was for survival in ancient times. Often labelled lazy or unmotivated, our ancient Night Watchers are now modern Night Owls who have no tribe to protect and a 9–5pm job they need to wake up for.

    Honouring Your Ancient DNA In A Modern World

    • Protect late-night thinking or creative time wherever possible
    • Find flexible work that respects your natural rhythm
    • Reduce guilt about not being an early riser, it is literally not in your DNA
    • Your natural night time alertness may be inconvenient today, but for your ancestors, it was life or death.
    Photo by Alex Beauchamp on Unsplash

    The Strategist

    Your Ancient Role

    Anticipating threats and planning for tomorrow.

    In every tribe, someone had to notice what others hadn’t yet seen, shifting weather, dwindling resources, rising tension with neighbouring groups. 

    The Strategist imagined impossible futures and prepared for them. Survival depended on those who could foresee consequences before they arrived. A prepared tribe lived to see another day.

    Personality Traits

    Strategists are naturally future-oriented. They think ahead, notice patterns, and feel uneasy with oversimplified explanations. Comfortable holding complexity, they prefer understanding the whole landscape before acting.

    They can be misunderstood as pedantic, but Strategists would prefer to gather, incorporate, and workshop an idea before acting in haste. 

    Your ability to imagine and visualise ‘what ifs’ makes you uniquely positioned to be a planner. Your attention to detail, and commitment to covering ‘all bases’ sets you apart from your peers. You feel most at ease and complete when you have planned for every contingency.

    Your Modern Challenge

    The Strategist is most vulnerable to mental overload. 

    In modern life, the Strategist’s mind struggles to switch off. It scans for details, risks, outcomes, and “what ifs” even when nothing immediate is required. 

    When your mind won’t stop analysing, it’s not because you’re broken, it’s because a future-oriented brain is operating in a world with too many variables and no natural stopping point.

    If you feel mentally exhausted without having actually done much, it’s because your natural strategist DNA is hard at work. 

    Honouring Your Ancient DNA In A Modern World

    • Give thinking a container. Write or journal.
    • Pair planning with small, concrete actions.
    • The ‘best’ outcome may never be possible. So work towards accepting “good enough” conclusions where possible.
    • If life feels overwhelming, focussed meditation on a mantra or object can help shut out the noise.
    Photo by Katja Anokhina on Unsplash

    The Maker

    Your Ancient Role

    The ability to make and repair was essential to survival. Need food? Craft a spear. Need shelter? Build a hut. Makers shaped tools that didn’t break and fixed what failed through creativity and innovation. Their intelligence lived in their hands as much as their heads.

    Personality Traits

    Modern Makers intuitively translate ideas into reality. Less impressed and motivated by theory, they learn by touching, testing, and taking things apart. With strong spatial awareness, they visualise how parts fit together and how things work in the real world.

    Sensitive to design and function, Makers notice inefficiency easily. They feel grounded and satisfied when there’s something tangible to show for their effort.

    The Modern Challenge

    The skills that once kept the ancient tribe functioning, can now feel undervalued. Especially with robotics and automation, the natural gift of Making is more niche and artistic. 

    Modern systems privilege abstract and verbal intelligence, leaving practical minds overlooked. Many Makers struggled in academic settings that rewarded explanation over execution. School can be hard for the Makers of our time. A craft best learnt through apprenticeship, enduring school only to be told you’re “not academic” can linger, even when your competence is obvious in real life.

    Honouring Your Ancient DNA In A Modern World

    • Work with your hands regularly, even outside work.
    • Learn by doing rather than over-preparing.
    • Measure success by function. Let your work speak for itself. 
    • Accept that Making is a legitimate, albeit different, form of thinking.
    Source: Laura Stanley, Pexels

    From The Ancient Tribes to Modern Living

    We no longer live in tribes, but we still carry tribal DNA, talents, circadian rhythms, and nervous systems.

    Society, infrastructure, and lifestyles have changed much faster than our DNA has, so our naturally coded gifts, abilities, and instincts that were once crucial to survival, may today feel redundant, overwhelming, or even pathological.

    But if you can understand what ancient role your personality might have been best suited for, it can give you a deeper understanding and appreciation for why you are the way you are. 

  • Fit but Fat

    Is it possible to be healthy at a higher weight?

    Photo by Emma Bennett, 2025

    “Fit but Fat”

    More like “Fit but Fine!” But I digress.

    I was introduced to the term, “Fit but Fat” recently while googling, “Can you still be healthy if you are overweight?”

    Bit of context… I’m an overweight, middle-aged woman, despite the fact that I walk 9 km a day and lift weights three times a week. I feel strong. I feel fit. Yet I currently exist in a body that is heavy for my height.

    Naturally, I worry that I am at risk of diseases of obesity, both functional and cardiovascular.

    The “Fit but Fat” Science

    The “fit but fat” paradox suggests that people who are physically fit, and have a BMI technically in the obese range (>30), may still be considered healthy in terms of cardiometabolic risk.

    Worryingly, past population studies suggest that very few adults are truly “fit but fat.” Damn. More recent research does support this position, but argues the “fit but fat” category is valid and does indeed exist. Whether one qualifies for such a label whoever depends heavily on an individual’s cardiorespiratory fitness and muscular strength. Researchers emphasise that higher BMI is not the issue in and of itself, rather, that it typically coincides low physical activity.

    In short: real fitness matters more than fatness.

    Phew. Perhaps I’m safe!

    What does “Fit but Fat” look like in everyday life?

    For me, it’s walking 9 km most mornings and lifting weights three times a week. I walk for fitness, and I walk for fresh air. To appreciate the natural landscapes, and to show gratitude that I have a safe outside to wander at all.

    For you, ‘Fit but Fat’ could be:

    • Climbing several flights of stairs without stopping
    • Recovering your breathing quickly after exertion
    • Carrying groceries or other heavy objects without strain

    Regular, meaningful movement. That’s what it comes down to. Whether deliberately at a gym or out walking, or incidentally climbing your apartment stairs or lifting the washing basket.

    Final thoughts

    Make no mistake, I’m not advocating that weight is irrelevant. Far from it. In a lighter body, we could move faster, longer, and with greater agility.

    But friends, for many of us, a lighter body simply isn’t our current reality.

    If like me you are fabulously “Fit but Fat”, remember: all the movement you do counts and is worth the effort.

    If movement isn’t yet a part of your everyday, a 10-minute walk absolutely counts — and it’s a 10/10 start.

  • Cultivating self-awareness

    25 questions that reveal how self-aware you are

    Photo by Fernando Santander on Unsplash

    Self-awareness, the superhuman skill so few possess. I’m not talking about the basic entry-level self-awareness that humans and primates share.

    Peak self-awareness is the ability to notice your internal experience clearly, in real time, without immediately needing to defend it, explain it, or act on it. Easy in theory, extremely difficult in practise.

    How do you rate your self-awareness?

    Considering how useful self-awareness is, it shocks me that schools don’t implement specific training programs where self-awareness mastery is a top priority for all children.

    Imagine a child, who pauses when they notice tension. They tell their caregiver something feels off, and takes a moment to decide what label best fits the sensation. Finally, selecting a self-care strategy or restorative action that will help them to self-regulate.

    I’m telling you, it’s the stuff of Super heroes!

    Just for fun, let’s put your self-awareness under the microscope. Not to judge and criticise, just to learn where you’re at and consider where you might want to be.

    Photo by Marten Newhall on Unsplash

    Below is a 25-part questionnaire exploring different levels of self-awareness, ranging from a common and basic level of understanding, through to a deep, sophisticated, and highly developed self-awareness.

    Warning: You might feel defensiveness emerge as you progress through the questionnaire. Self-awareness reveals itself more in the questions you can tolerate, than the answers you can give.

    If you can identify when the defensiveness arises, that’s good news, your self-awareness is clearly on solid ground.

    For each question, notice your first honest reaction, not the answer you think you should give.

    Answer each question with:

    • Mostly yes: This is generally true for you.
    • Sometimes: Yes it happens, but not consistently.
    • Rarely / not yet: It is difficult or uncommon for you.

    Questionnaire

    Surface-Level Self-Awareness

    1. Can you usually name what you’re feeling?
    2. Do you know what tends to stress you out?
    3. Can you explain why you reacted the way you did after the fact?
    4. Do you know your obvious strengths and weaknesses?
    5. Can you describe how you generally come across to other people?

    Pattern Awareness

    1. Do the same conflicts keep repeating in your life?
    2. Do you react strongly to similar situations or types of people?
    3. Can you often predict your own emotional reactions before they happen?
    4. Do you notice yourself repeating familiar stories about who you are?
    5. Are you aware of your default coping strategies?

    If the majority of your answers to these first two sections were “Mostly yes”, it is likely that you have basic self-awareness. Excellent, that’s a lot to work with! You can recognise emotions and explain behaviour, most of the time. This is where self-awareness development stops for most people. Yes you have insight, but the depth and sophistication of this insight is limited.

    Real-Time Awareness

    1. Can you notice yourself becoming defensive while it’s happening?
    2. Can you pause before reacting when emotions spike?
    3. Do you notice physical signs in your body before your thoughts escalate?
    4. Can you stay present when you feel the urge to justify, blame, or withdraw?
    5. Do you notice when you’re trying to manage how you’re perceived?

    Emotional Tolerance

    1. Can you sit with shame without immediately explaining it away?
    2. Can you tolerate anxiety without needing certainty right now?
    3. Can you experience disappointment without turning it into self-criticism?
    4. Can you let discomfort exist without fixing it immediately?
    5. Can you allow emotions to pass without narrating or analysing them?

    If your answers shifted from ‘Mostly Yes’ in the first two sections, to ‘Sometimes’ in the middle two sections, rest assured that this is completely normal.

    You’re able to notice patterns, but not always in real-time. Do you remember that time when you became aware that you were being rude and unreasonable, but only realised this 3 hours after the argument? This isn’t failure, it’s an opportunity to make progress. To transcend beyond this point usually takes a willingness to sit with discomfort about your past reactions and patterns.

    Identity Flexibility

    1. Can you revise a belief about yourself when evidence contradicts it?
    2. Can you admit you were wrong without collapsing or becoming defensive?
    3. Can you hold conflicting truths about yourself at the same time?
    4. Can you be seen clearly without controlling the image?
    5. Are you willing to change, not just understand?

    Questions in this final section are designed to push you to your self-awareness limit. Most people will feel considerable discomfort, or defensiveness whilst considering these questions.

    What does it all mean?

    People who are self-aware generally have more time and choice to decide how they respond.

    They notice their own reactions, physical and emotional, before they unleash dramatically, giving them a valuable pause between feeling, and acting. Consequently, people with self-awareness tend to become more predictable, both to their significant other, and themselves. A welcome relief to partners who may have gotten used to explosive and unpredictable arguments.

    With better self-awareness, anxiety becomes more manageable. When you can actually name what you feel because you’ve done the hard work, this degrees of self-awareness takes away some of the fear that what’s happening is out of your control.

    And catastrophic thinking? That gets easier to interrupt and redirect. Self-awareness won’t eliminate anxiety entirely I’m afraid, but it will stop it from running the show!

    When we say “do the work”, what does this mean?

    In its most simplest form, “the work” refers to a process of investigation during any instance of heightened emotion. Some questions you might find helpful during this time include:

    a) What physical sensation am I feeling? (i.e. tightness in stomach, tension in hands, or lightness in the head)

    b) Label the emotions or describe the situation. (i.e. I think I’m feeling stressed, I feel disappointed, or I feel flat and melancholic).

    c) Collate what you know about this situation into a coherent summary. (i.e. I was talking to my partner. I noticed my voice began to raise, and now we’re arguing. I’m feeling very upset.)

    d) Decide on an act of self-care or restoration. (i.e. I need to take 10mins away from the source of stress, and I do my breathing exercises)

  • Foraging for Psychedelic Mushrooms

    My adventures searching for magic mushrooms

    Copyright — Emma Bennett, 2024 — Juvenile Psilocybe subaeruginosa

    Every year, as the weather starts to cool, the excitement of the hunt grows.

    When the night-time temperatures drop below eight degrees (celsius) and the rain begins, I head outdoors in search of magic.

    Real magic.

    This magic comes in the form of psychedelic mushrooms. An often-times inconspicuous fungi used by ancient peoples to induce powerful hallucinogenic states. The mushroom I seek isn’t a visual beauty like the red with white spots Amanita muscaria. Instead it is special for what it contains within; a molecule called psilocybin, that researchers believe can save lives.

    Here’s the story of how I found and photographed my first magic mushrooms.

    Copyright — Emma Bennett, 2024 — Juvenile & mature Psilocybe subaeruginosa

    Like most people, I never gave magic mushrooms much thought beyond their brief mentions in the Woodstock documentary. I assumed it was a ‘thing’ that came and went with the 60s.

    It wasn’t until I stumbled across a four-page article in The New York Times in 2021, that I learnt that not only do magic mushrooms still exist, but clinical trials testing synthetic psilocybin, a lab-made version of the magic mushrooms naturally occurring molecule, are happening globally. Scientists have demonstrated that psilocybin might be a potent treatment for mental illnesses. Consumption of wild psychedelic mushrooms is not only illegal, it carries serious risks of side-effects. But according to that article, synthetic psilocybin, delivered under controlled conditions by experts, is safe and has incredible potential.

    As a psychologist, I was stunned. Patients with chronic, treatment-resistant illness were experiencing relief, even remission, after a single psychedelic session? Surely they’re exaggerating, pumping the story to sell papers. How many therapies have promised the Universe and delivered Uranus? Not this though. Psilocybin seems to be the real deal.

    I had to know more. Not just about psilocybin, but the mushrooms themselves. And, if I could, I wanted to see one in real life; be in the presence of something magical.

    I read everything I could find.

    I read that one of the most potent species, Psilocybe subaeruginosa, grows in southern Australia. Hang on, I live in southern Australia. Holy moly.

    I researched more. I learnt about its habitat. I mapped out potential forest, bush, and walking tracks. I scoured iNaturalistand The Shroomery for every clue.

    I had read that night time temperatures needed to be below 8 degrees celsius, and we needed rain. The books all said that two weeks after the first cool night, the mushrooms would start to pop.

    As the searing heat of summer cooled into brisk autumn nights, I knew the start of the hunt was close.

    As the great Wayne & Garth would say…

    My Treasure Hunt Begins

    Those first few weeks I walked for kilometres. I averaged 100kms a week, no joke. Fortunately I had some scheduled time off from work, so I used this time wisely.

    I searched the grass and weeds of public walking tracks, bushland, forest, vacant lots, and parks; so many parks.

    And for weeks: nothing. Nada. But, I wasn’t discouraged. Redditors had prepared me that the quest was not for the faint hearted. Some people found loads and fast, whilst others spent years searching for their first find.

    The Unexpected Find

    Convinced that something as remarkable as magic mushrooms could only be found far far away in a distant forest, I had neglected to search nearby locations. Locations, such as my neighbours yard for example.

    So one average Thursday afternoon, I took a walk around my neighbourhood.

    I noticed my next door neighbours yard was particularly lush, with native grasses and plenty of mulch. I head there first.

    Folks it didn’t take long. Within minutes of searching, down to the left along the path, I saw them.

    Quickly I ran through my mental checklist:

    1. Small, convex caramel-brown caps? Check.
    2. Gelatinous cap pelicle (thin, clear, wet film)? Check.
    3. White gils, with evidence of dark purple/rust colours spores? Check.
    4. White-ish, strong, and ‘woody’ stems? Check.
    5. Bruises blue when touched? Check.

    I found one!!!

    Copyright — Emma Bennett, 2024 — Mature Psilocybe subaeruginosa — Visible blue bruising

    I actually laughed out loud. The feeling of elation, I honestly can’t describe it. I had found a real, genuine, highly sought-after treasure.

    Then came the fear. Oh, did it flood in. Standing in the presence of magic mushrooms, highly illegal, of course, it felt like standing next to super hot contraband. My excitement quickly morphed into paranoia.

    Would the police jump out from behind a shrub and haul me away? Was I in for a long stint in the slammer? Psilocybin and magic mushrooms are scheduled as a Class 9 substance. On the same level as heroin. Serious stuff.

    Fortunately, as a result of my extensive research, I knew the local law. It’s illegal to pick, possess, consume, or distribute psilocybin mushrooms — but it’s not illegal to look at them. No, ho ho it’s not!

    I didn’t take the mushroom, but I did take pictures. Lots of pictures.

    Copyright — Emma Bennett, 2024 — Mature Psilocybe subaeruginosa

    A New Superpower

    Since that day, I’ve found thousands more p.subs (magic mushrooms).

    My brain has become so finely tuned to the physical characteristics of Psilocybe subaeruginosa that I can spot them among clusters of poisonous lookalikes. I find them in parks, along walking tracks, in unexpected patches of mulch, even in my own backyard.

    Finding magic mushrooms has become my quiet superpower.

    And yet, despite all this, I’ve never tried one. Not once.

    I can’t tell you what the p.sub variety of magic mushrooms tastes like or what the experience feels like. In fact, I don’t like the taste of mushrooms at all. Can’t stand the smell of cooked mushrooms, massive yuck. They smell like dirt, and I bet they taste like dirt too. No thanks.

    So, Why Forage If I Don’t Plan On Trying Them?

    Because the existence of these mushrooms is enough, they feel like a natural miracle.

    A powerful medicine, possibly life-changing for some, that grows quietly in everyday places. People walk past them daily without realising they’ve brushed by one of nature’s most astonishing therapeutic organisms. But I know.

    As adults, how often do we get to feel the thrill of something hidden and incredible?

    It reminds me that nature still holds mysteries, that healing can come from unexpected places, and that sometimes the treasure we seek is growing right under our feet, literally.

    To my followers — If you too are fascinated by psychedelic mushrooms, or just mushrooms in general, this is my first article in my Magic Mushroom series. I’ll keep you posted when the next piece is published.

    Important Message

    I do not advocate the consumption of magic mushrooms. Their consumption can have unintended side-affects which should not be dismissed as the ‘stuff’ of Woodstock legend. Magic mushrooms are often misidentified as poisonous look-a-likes, and this can have deadly consequences. Be like me, and admire them from afar. If you’re interested in accessing psilocybin to treat mental health, go through legal channels and start researching. Find out more at the John Hopkins Research Centre in the USA, or at Mind Medicine Australia.